Each day I begin my day writing in my journal, three handwritten pages about whatever happens to come into my mind until I fill them all. I began the practice while reading The Artists Way by Julia Cameron. I've changed my morning practice slightly from her instructions. Each day to get started, I fill out header information much like you would have for an assignment you turned in in high school. Of course, I write the date but also the time, day of the week, moon phase, sign of the moon and the day of my cycle. Then I'll just start writing. I spill out dribble, sometimes parts of a story emerge or a poem. Other times it's basic diary entries such as what I did, what I ate, did I exercise? I've been trying to reflect more on the astrology of the day when I don't know what to write about. Even an Aries gets bored with the subject of self after a while ;-)
So today when I noticed the moon phase was disseminating in Scorpio I thought what a perfect day for me to share my annual birthday reflections (aka The Life and Times of a Highly Accomplished Nobody). Before I discovered astrology, I would use my birthday journal entry to conduct an unnecessarily, deep dive into what I am not and what I did not accomplish over the past year.
While conducting my annual rite of analytical self loathing, I attempted to minimize any celebration or recognition of my birthday. My family would ask me what I wanted to do to celebrate. I would choose the option requiring the least amount of time and effort. Then I would feel disappointed and feel guilty for feeling disappointed.
But I have noticed since I've began studying astrology, that my solar return isn't a time to be ashamed of what remained undone or unaccomplished on my "list". It's an opportunity to see what life has in store for me in the year ahead.
Some of the most frustrating times of my adult life were when my best laid plans were met with what seemed like overtly unfair resistance. Having an Aries sun that gets fired up to get something new started coupled with an abundance of earth energy that wants to build and stabilize what was started to protect my ego, I would push these projects way past what should have been their natural life cycle to ensure they had some facade of whatever cryptic notion of success I could stomach.
I don't know if Julia Cameron originated this quote, but I first encountered it in her aforementioned book, 'nothing dies harder than a bad idea.' I worked so hard, so unnecessarily in order to feel like I was ending it on my terms. Looking back on each successive attempt at my pursuit of success and accomplishment it is almost comical.
Before I was 30 (Saturn return), I returned to college to become a computer programmer (Aquarius midheaven). I was laid off from my first full time job as a programmer within six months during the dot com bubble (days within Saturn crossing my ascendant). But instead of looking for a new path I stayed with the technology sector, settling for a position in technical and sales support. Clearly the universe was telling me this wasn't my path, but I had gone back to school to be a programmer. So I took some really bad jobs to support that decision.
During this time my husband began a small landscape maintenance company. I would help him part time in the evenings with bookkeeping and scheduling. As the landscaping company grew and became more profitable, staying in my unfulfilling job seemed silly when I could be helping grow that business and have more control over my life. We were successful in building a mid-size company providing landscape maintenance as well as design build services.
We made money running the business and we made money selling the business. But the burn out and bitter taste of resentment took years of healing. If only I had known about astrology, I most likely would not have started my next business despite that it was designed to counter balance every complaint and challenge of the landscaping company.
The next attempt was a healthy vending business. It seemed so perfect, replacing junk food vending with automated retail machines selling healthy food and drinks. I'll spare you the details and reveal the rub. People who buy food out of vending machines don't care about eating healthy and people who eat healthy don't eat food out of vending machines. And again, instead of cutting bait, I persisted running it for seven years (hello again Saturn) before selling it for a fraction of the investment with the familiar taste of resentment and burn out.
And the crazy thing about it with this one is I knew it was a bad idea, but I didn't listen to my gut. I had recently given birth to my youngest daughter when I began the business. The night I wired the deposit for the machines, I rocked my daughter to sleep and was placing her in the crib. Suddenly a flood a panic rushed over my body and I was so overwhelmed I nearly dropped her into the crib.
Hindsight is 20/20 as they say, but I am certain if I had consulted an astrologer, I would have not started that business. If I had just listened to my own intuition, I could have called the bank the next morning and requested they claw back the funds transfer and let the lawyers deal with it.
But I didn't, because I didn't know. And besides this time I had done more due diligence than ever before. I had obtained loans from the bank with a guarantee from the Small Business Administration. I had addressed any of the red flags raised by my CPA and attorney.
What I failed to realize in my due diligence is that the banks, vendors and attorneys weren't signing off on this being a good business idea. They signed off on the good faith, credit and assets of my husband and myself. They knew we were a safe bet (earth and fire). To some degree the business model and its odds of success that they are loaning you money for is immaterial. They need to ensure you have other hard assets as collateral and good credit.
And look, I get it and I have no problem with people making a money. I'm a huge fan of money. My problem was I assumed some validation of the business model I had chosen since I had gone through all the hoops to obtain financing. My body was screaming at me not to do it, but I didn't listen because I dismissed it as irrational fear since I had all this supposed external validation. And the bank was right, I stuck it out until it made money and I could sell it for money.
Understand I have no regrets for any of these decisions. On the contrary, they confirm my belief that astrology all the more as a tool we can use to reach our potential, find the synchronicities in life and if we work really hard - find our bliss.
If I didn't have these and many other life changing moments, I would not be an astrologer today. I have learned so much by remembering when these events were and looking at the astrology. Discovering how those moments in time imitate the the horoscope wheel and experiencing a metaphorical light bulb flash above your head is pure joy.
And the one of greatest gifts astrology has given me is reclaiming my birthday. Now instead of looking back, I look ahead. I am aware of the opportunities and challenges but instead of reflecting back with shame or regret, I look forward with excitement and wonder.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."
Jon Kabat-Zinn
So on my birthday, I wish to give you the gift. If my story resonated with you, click below for my special birthday coupon. Readings start at $18 for then month of my birthday. I can't wait to meet you.
Comments